I feel like giving up.

At some point, you will probably want to just give up. Or you may want to from the beginning. Everyone feels this way at some time during the grief process. I wanted to sleep all the time. I felt that if I was asleep I wouldn't have to cry, or think, or deal with anyone. Also, when I slept, I would dream about my son still being with me. I would dream about cradling him in my arms. But, I also had nightmares about my son dying. I didn't want to get out of my pajamas and I really didn't want to see anyone. I didn't figure anyone wanted to listen to me cry except my husband. Also, I didn't want to see any babies or kids or anything that would remind me that I was hurting. We started renting ridiculous, brainless movies so I could escape reality. I didn't like sad movies, commercials, articles, books, songs, or people.

I remember one time I got a call (when I finally started taking them) and I told the person that it wouldn't bother me to die tomorrow. I guess that was an "I'm giving up" statement. That person thought that I wanted to die and maybe that was partly true because I didn't want to deal with the pain anymore. But what I meant was, I've got a vested interest in heaven and I would love to hold him right now. I know that I felt like giving up. Life just hurt too bad.

Well, that's not true. There is so much to live for. And as much as life hurts, the wonderful things about being alive are equally profound. When you survive the death of a child you find pleasure in the simple things. What you never noticed before becomes magnified. The hugs are more special and the words more endearing. You feel things so much deeper. My faith in God became stronger and I was drawn closer to Him. Of course not everyone survives.

Some continue to say "Life just hurts too bad." It is harder for some people to pull out of the gloom than for others. Scientists have shown that a faith in God does help with the recovery and those who have that faith are less likely to fall into deep depression.

Let me ask you something. Have you considered harming yourself or anyone else since the loss of your child? Have you become seriously ill as a result of being depressed since the loss of you child? If either of these are true, please seek professional help. There is no shame in admitting you need help in dealing with this. Many health plans cover counseling visits or most churches have counselors on staff that you can talk to. A church counselor or minister would be able to help you decide what degree of counseling you need without much expense if any. Different things work for different people. You need to figure out what works for you. You need to be a survivor.

Don't give up even though it feels like so much is against you. Hang in there, I promise, every cloud does have a silver lining. You will laugh again. You will smile again. It's just a matter of time.